Self centered fears are at the roots of all of my character defects -- the fear that I’m going to lose something that I can’t live without or the fear that I’m not going to get something I think I need to live the way I want. My character defects grew out of these fears like so many weeds growing out of a cesspool.
I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me so I became a people pleaser, approval seeker and a perfectionist. I constantly lied in the attempt to make myself look better in your eyes. I manipulated you in a hundred different ways to get what I thought I needed and got angry, indignant and blaming when you resisted giving me what I wanted. I prepared myself for disappointment that I was sure was right around the corner by becoming a negative thinker. I became sarcastic and cynical.
Today, instead of judging myself a bad person because I have these character defects (and shoveling more guilt into the cesspool), I try to look at these fears for what they really are: defense mechanisms. While these defenses keep me safe they also keep me stuck, because every time I react defensively I am doing my will not God’s will. I am blocked off from the light and I cannot find my true place.
The work of steps six and seven is getting down to causes and conditions -- to develop the courage and patience and faith to continuously look beneath the character defect to discover the underlying fear. Once I become aware of the fear, the character defect seems to disappear like the mist on a pond when it is warmed by the morning sun.