I identify with members who share that the booze stopped working for them. Oh, I still got drunk all right, but the psychic pain had ratcheted up to the point that a few drinks would no longer produce the sense of ease and comfort I craved. Instead, I woke up every morning paralyzed by fear. I was unemployed and running out of borrowed money, but all I could do to help myself was get drunk and make believe a job would solve all my problems.
Gratefully something inside of me cried “Uncle” and let go. I experienced a moment of clarity and was led to Alcoholics Anonymous. You told me if I really wanted to quit drinking I had to do what you did. Little did I know at the time that I had to change pretty much everything about who I thought I was. Fortunately I was so sick and tired I was willing to try.
Relationships with others was a fertile area for change. I had chased everyone out of my life with my judgmental, “my way or the highway” attitude. I didn’t hate, I simply had no time or interest in anyone who didn’t think, act, and dress like me. I was so insecure, I couldn’t risk letting a person into my life who might try find out the truth about me. It’s no wonder I ended up all alone, getting drunk twice a day in my messy apartment with the curtains drawn.
In AA I was taught when I point my finger in judgement of another, I have three fingers pointing back at me. During my first fourth step I came to see I had almost the exact same character defects I resented in my father. I was cold, critical and emotionally unavailable. Today whenever I get twisted up in judgment of another -- especially people in the program -- I try to take a good look at myself. Usually I find I am guilty of the very same shortcoming I see in them. These discoveries are like little doors to freedom.
Live and let live means I allow everyone else on the planet to be exactly who they are. I try and treat others the way I want to be treated. I do not always succeed, but I have the willingness to keep trying. Thanks to the many loving examples of the alcoholics who came before me, I am becoming more loving and tolerant as the years go by. It is nothing I did and everything God did.
One member shares his experience, strength and hope about recovery from alcoholism through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The ideas and opinions expressed in this blog are in no way intended to represent those of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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Wanting What I Get
"Life is a sh*t sandwich and it's always lunchtime." This was my favorite expression during the last few years of my drinking. I said it to get a laugh from the lower companions I met at the bar every afternoon for "happy" hour, but part of me believed it totally. It beautifully summed up my attitude about life. I was negative, cynical and sarcastic, but I couldn’t figure out why my life was swirling down the toilet. In my mind I was a pretty nice guy just going through a bad patch.
Gratefully, in the midst of this insanity, I was graced with a moment of clarity. I was led to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous where I learned I have a disease called alcoholism. You said I needed to undergo a complete change of attitude or I would drink again. You went on to say the only way to change my attitude is to change my behavior. I had to act my way into better thinking.
I watched the old timers and the other regulars at the meetings. They seemed to move through life effortlessly. I wanted what they had so I began to do what they did. I went to a bunch of meetings, put my hand out to newcomers, made coffee and helped to put away the chairs. Slowly my attitude began to change. I began to see the glass half full rather than half empty. My drive for money, power and prestige gave way to my desire for a peaceful life. Today I see life as an exciting adventure not a painful endurance contest.
I used to gag when someone would say something like, "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." But today I know that every experience holds a gift designed for my growth if I am willing to look for it. The secret to a happy life is wanting what I get, not getting what I want.
Gratefully, in the midst of this insanity, I was graced with a moment of clarity. I was led to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous where I learned I have a disease called alcoholism. You said I needed to undergo a complete change of attitude or I would drink again. You went on to say the only way to change my attitude is to change my behavior. I had to act my way into better thinking.
I watched the old timers and the other regulars at the meetings. They seemed to move through life effortlessly. I wanted what they had so I began to do what they did. I went to a bunch of meetings, put my hand out to newcomers, made coffee and helped to put away the chairs. Slowly my attitude began to change. I began to see the glass half full rather than half empty. My drive for money, power and prestige gave way to my desire for a peaceful life. Today I see life as an exciting adventure not a painful endurance contest.
I used to gag when someone would say something like, "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." But today I know that every experience holds a gift designed for my growth if I am willing to look for it. The secret to a happy life is wanting what I get, not getting what I want.