Emotional Sobriety

 When I was new I Identified with a guy at a meeting who called himself "King Baby." I have this image of myself dressed in a diaper and floppy hat, sitting up in my adult highchair banging on the fold-down table with my spoon, demanding that life give me everything I want and wailing when I didn't get it right away.

I was loaded with self-centered fear long before I picked up that first drink and felt the magic alcohol could work. In order to be accepted and meet my selfish needs I unknowingly developed a whole slew of character defects. I was an approval seeker and couldn't stand criticism. I had trouble with personal relationships. I rarely felt satisfied with my life. I complained and blamed others for my problems. I never felt like I truly fit in, even in a crowd of people. I lived in the past or future. Even after many trips through the steps, remnants of these character "defenses" still pop up every once in a while.  

I am a completely different man than I was when I began my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I enjoy rich personal relationships. I am healthier than I’ve ever been. The fear is gone. I have enough of everything I need to live a useful, contented life. I am comfortable with who I am. I feel and express a full range of human emotion. Problems still crop up, but since solutions show up effortlessly, I no longer worry. Today I have the faith that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay as long as I continue to demonstrate the willingness to do what was suggested in my first couple of weeks.

I am so grateful to be an alcoholic. There is no way I could’ve traveled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me unless I treated it spiritually. As I sat at the bar, I used to jokingly say if you had my life, you’d drink too. Today, I say if you had my life, you wouldn’t drink either. Life is unfolding exactly as it should. If it was supposed to be one iota different, it would be. It gives me a great sense of comfort to know I am always experiencing my highest and best good, even when I'm sitting in my high-chair.