Humility

I like the metaphor of humility I heard on a Joe and Charley tape. One of the guys said to imagine that my being is like a balloon. If the balloon is fully inflated with my ego, there’s no room for God to work in my life. As I become right sized and my ego shrinks there is an empty space in my being. Since nature abhors a vacuum, Spirit fills the void. Humility is empty space created by the total absence of ego.

But here’s where it gets tricky for me... As soon as I think that emptiness creates humility, my ego starts to plan and scheme about how to get itself empty. (This even sounds silly!) It attaches itself to the desire to be empty and then makes non-stop suggestions about what I should do to achieve this empty state. My ego tells me to “do more service, work the steps, pray and meditate more, read another spiritual book.” I feel better when I do these things, but I’m learning that feeling better does not mean I have gained one iota of humility.

I’m learning that humility is a quality of "being-ness". It is not a product of doing anything. It’s living life completely on life’s terms. There’s nothing I can do to consciously create this empty space. There’s no formula. I can’t try to be humble. Even talking or writing about humility fills the space with ego. Humility is so anonymous that my right hand doesn’t even know what my left hand is doing.

My first sponsor taught me that all spirituality is a gift from God. There’s nothing I can do to earn this gift. Either I’m humble or I’m not. There’s no way to really know.

Qualities of Recovery

Fortunately for me only a bare minimum of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness is required to make a start in sobriety. I don’t really have to be honest, I just have to have the capacity to be honest. If I can say, "my name is Jeff, and I’m an alcoholic" and mean it, I probably have the capacity. Our program doesn’t require me to believe anything. I can take what feels right and leave the rest. So what is there to be close minded about? And all I have to do to demonstrate my willingness is show up at a few meetings each week, drink coffee and laugh at the newcomers’ solutions; talk to my sponsor about my favorite subject -- me; and offer mostly parroted advice to people with less time than me. Seen in this light, I need to stop patting myself on the back for sobriety. It’s nothing I did anyways.

There is one more indispensable quality I would add to the list -- compassion. It’s strange that I can’t find mention of this word anywhere in the Big Book, yet it is critical to my recovery that I learn to care about others. I learn compassion when I connect with you through the shared pain, confusion and anger of our disease. I know what you’ve been through because I’ve been there too. As the saying goes, I’ve walked a mile in your moccasins. Compassion for others melts away my self-centeredness and asks "how can I help?" rather than "what can you do for me?"

I didn’t start out with a bucket full of any of these qualities, but I believe I am more honest, more open-minded, more willing and more compassionate than I was when I walked into my first meeting fifteen years ago today. I consider myself recovered from "a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body," but I also recognize that I am a long way from being fully restored to spiritual sanity of Step Two. I'm no longer hopeless, but I'm not fully recovered either. I guess I'm right on schedule as my first sponsor would say.

As the voice of self hate continues to die down, I am beginning to hear another voice gently reminding me that my sobriety is a precious gift. I fully express my gratitude for this gift by being of service both in and out of the rooms and by continuing to hack away at all my old ideas, beliefs, and attitudes that separate me from you, from the rest of humanity and from God. If I had to guess, I would say that this is the work I was sent here to do.

Living Inside Out

In my journey before AA I lived almost entirely from the outside-in. I got totally sucked into the idea that my good would only come to me if I were successful in the world. I entered the maze and began the frantic search for the golden cheese. I strove to get ahead, to achieve, to win at all costs. Today I know that it wasn’t money, power or prestige that I searched for, but the holy grail of self-acceptance.

I achieved a measure of worldly success that felt good for a while but it was never enough. There was always the next mountain to climb. As the years went by, I became increasingly disillusioned and cynical. Toward the end of my drinking my life was so heavy, I had trouble finding the energy to show up. It was in this state, at age 47, that I was graced with a moment of clarity that pierced the walls of my denial. I was allowed to see the truth about what I had become. I was not a vision for you.

The doors to AA swung open to greet me. In a very real way AA reconnected me with life itself. I worked the steps and began to strip away the "old ideas" that blocked me from my Higher Power. I got into the habit of spending some quiet time each morning listening to my internal guidance system. I am learning to be of service both in and out of the rooms. Today I know that the good I had been struggling to find was right inside of me the whole time.

Unlike the painful struggle of my life prior to AA, I’ve noticed that the "right" things for me seem require almost no effort. Almost 12 years ago, unemployed again at age 50, I faxed just one resume overseas and two months later I was working in Shanghai, China. Thus began a wonderful adventure. I have had the chance to resurrect my career and provide for a reasonably secure financial future. A few months after my arrival I met a beautiful young Chinese woman. We celebrate our ten year anniversary next month. Because of a lack of AA’s here with time, I’ve had great opportunities to sponsor I wouldn’t have had back in the US. Some of those men are now sponsoring other men.

I have no idea if my Higher Power sent me to China to work, to marry, or to sponsor. Maybe it is all three or maybe it wasn’t for any of these reasons. All I know is that it certainly had nothing to do with any plan I made. Left to my own devices I’d still be running through the maze afraid that all the cheese would be gone by the time I got there.

Third Step Promises

Whenever I read "How It Works" the word "One" as in "there is One who has all power" stands out. I imagine that the "O" in One is a circle that contains the entire universe -- everything that exists, both seen and unseen. I am reminded that everything inside the circle is interconnected like the threads of a beautiful fabric. Inside the circle I am a human "being." Outside I am a human "doing" - evaluating, comparing and trying to figure everything out, trying to fix things, thinking only about how to get and stay comfortable.

Before I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me AA I spent most of my life outside the circle. The Third Step promises come true inside the circle. In this place life flows naturally without effort. I do not have to strive or compete. I have that sense of ease and comfort I used to get from drinking. I am able to respond rather than react to challenges. My life is peaceful.

‘How It Works" tells me how to place myself inside the circle -- "let go of my old ideas, absolutely." It doesn’t say let go of my "bad ideas" it says "old ideas." I interpret this to mean that I must be willing to let go of every thought, attitude, and belief I have -- I must even be willing to let go of my beliefs about God. When I find myself outside the circle in some kind of pain or upset I can be sure that the cause is an old idea I haven’t let go of yet. The steps provide a clear cut process for becoming aware of these old limiting ideas and having them removed from me.

Of course God, as I choose to call God, is no more a circle than an employer or a director. It’s just one of the ways I try to wrap my tiny, limited mind around the infinite. Frankly I don’t have the foggiest idea who or what God is, but if I had to guess, I would say that God’s nature is love. If God is my employer, then my job description might simply read "let go and love well."

Practicing the Principles in All our Affairs

I had a year or so of weekly piano lessons when I was a kid but today I can’t play a single tune – not even chopsticks. Practicing spiritual principles in AA is just like practicing the piano. If I don’t practice what I am learning, the tiny light that was awakened inside of me will die out. If that happens, I’m right back to my darkened, dirty apartment with only my bottle of wine, bag of pot and remote control to keep me company. If I want my life to be a beautiful melody instead of a bad dream I have to practice.

A few years ago, I came upon a twenty-four hour practice plan. It is to show up, pay attention, do the next right thing, stay out of results and be grateful. This plan has served me well.

I show up by living in the present moment with the willingness to do what is suggested. I pay attention by getting quiet and listening for the still small voice inside me. I do the next right thing by following the guidance I receive, even if I don’t want to. I let go of results by not having any expectation of how my actions will turn out. I practice an attitude of gratitude by being aware of all the blessings I receive each day. Of course I don’t do any of this perfectly, far from it. But if my life gets wobbley, I can look at this plan and quickly see where I need more practice.

I am coming to believe that every human is given a unique gift. The gift is using our God given creativity to express love. Each of us expresses differently. I find my unique expression of love by practicing the principles in all my affairs. God does the rest.

Restored to Sanity

I heard that trying to get spiritual is like standing in water up to my neck trying to get wet. I cannot get spiritual because I already am. I often forget this simple fact. When I go through my day remembering that I am a spiritual being I am able to see the world from a whole different perspective. Then it’s much easier to connect with others as human beings, not because they have something I need or want.

I came to Alcoholics Anonymous mired in judgment, cynicism and negativity. Today, I am more often able to see that the world is perfect exactly the way it is and that you and I are OK too. I can still get so caught up in my stuff, that I miss the beauty that surrounds me. But at least I know it is there if I am willing to look.

Today I realize sooner rather than later that I am trying to run my own life. I have become more sensitive to self-inflicted suffering. A few years ago the adrenaline rush of self righteous anger used to feel good. Today it doesn’t. After my sobriety, my serenity is my most precious possession. I’ve learned through painful experience that without peace of mind a happy, fulfilling life is just not possible.

A holy man was asked to define spirituality. He said, “When you are hungry, eat! When you are tired, sleep!” More and more I’m coming to believe that life really is this simple, natural and effortless. As I continue to let go of the old complicated ideas, I get closer to the idea my Higher Power had in mind when he sent me here.

Working with Others

AA is my church. The sharing of one alcoholic to another is sacred because somehow God has brought us together. Holiness is of little value in the AA church. We connect though our mutual brokenness. We share together not to save each other’s souls, but to save each other’s asses.

My sponsor taught me to tell the truth by sharing his truth. I learned about his fear, his abandonment issues, and the problems of his life. When it came time for my fifth I had the courage to tell him my secrets, even the icky stuff. I learned by observation that the number one and perhaps only responsibility of a sponsor is to be available. He was busy and sponsored a lot of guys but he always had time for me.

We all need three things from our sponsors: love, discipline and direction. In my own work with others I have tended to slight the love part in favor of discipline and direction. I have tried to manage a sponsee’s recovery rather than play the role of friendly helper. I am learning that this controlling style does not work on most people and it is spiritually deadening for me.

I love going through the steps with a new guy. My own understanding deepens each time I do. It has become clear that I always teach what it is I need to learn.

Ego

I awoke this morning with a familiar feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach. As soon as I opened my eyes my ego began to point out to me everything that could go wrong. It seems that it’s my ego’s job to keep me in fear of all the pitfalls that lie ahead and to convince me that there’s no way I can avoid them. It took me a good hour before I realized that I am perfectly fine and the fear is not based in reality, but only my ego trying to assert itself.

My ego is a false idea of who I am created by me in temporary ignorance of my true spiritual self. It’s the choice to be separate. I can always tell when I’m in ego. Whenever I’m arguing, reacting defensively, acting like a know-it-all, or in any form of self-pity, I can be sure that I’m coming from my little separated self. My ego is an illusion, but it is so compelling that I can’t help but get caught in it, like a dream I just can’t seem to wake up from.

I heard a good definition of ego -- a huge fortress with towering walls of steel reinforced concrete three feet thick and razor sharp barbed wire strung all around the top built ... around nothing. Isn’t it funny that my ego builds up these elaborate defenses and then someone says something I don’t like and the mighty walls come a tumblin’ down. One tiny little comment is all it takes to reduce my vast defenses into piles of crumbled ruins. This is proof positive to me that my ego is an illusion and has no real power. If ego had any real power wouldn’t I be immune to the comments and actions of others? But it has no power because there is One who has all power and it ain’t the ego.

The problem is not what my ego tells me. The problem is that I believe it. Thus I react in anger and say things I don’t mean. I lie to try and impress you in the false belief that if I can get you to feel good about me, I can feel OK about me. When I focus on everything that’s wrong with the world, I’m in ego, separated from the truth that life is just fine the way it is. My ego is not a bad thing. It simply can’t be trusted. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received is “don’t believe your mind, and when in doubt, don’t believe your mind. This is so hard to do!

My ego is like the wizard of Oz behind the curtain pulling the levers. The lights are dazzling and I can’t help but get sucked into the drama. I’m not sure I will ever be completely free, but it’s clear that my desire to recover and my willingness to do what is suggested is slowly but surely leading me out of ego in the direction of my true self.

Unity

I sense that unity is one of those spiritual principles that I’m supposed to be practicing in all my affairs along with forgiveness, acceptance gratitude and all the rest. While an honest inventory about Tradition One shows that I do pretty well in my group, it is clear I have a long way to go to becoming a unifying presence in the world at large. I come from a culture and upbringing that rewarded individuality. I was taught that each of us separate not only from each other, but also from God whose place is in heaven while I grovel around down here on earth.

Instead of connecting with others, I learned to judge and compare. You are either better than me or worse than me, but never the same as me. I had to compete against you to make the team, to make the grade and to make a living. The problem with competiton is that someone has to lose -- hardly a unifying force in the world.

I lived in conscious separation from other people and God for most of my life. It’s no surprise that during the last days of my drinking I ended up in almost total isolation -- drinking all alone in my darkened apartment day after day. I remember thinking how good it was that no one else was in my life. No one to hassle me about my drinking or give me any crap about not looking for work. How sad it is for me to recall these thoughts today.

My experience in AA has been very much about reconnecting with life itself. I was able to leave enough of my ego at the door and do what was suggested which placed me firmly in the center of AA. As I began to connect with Group Of Drunks -- I began to connect with my Higher Power too. Even though it was scary at first, I learned that being "a part of" rather than "apart from" was a much more satisfying way to live.

"...we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn´t. What was our choice to be?" If my choice is "everything" then I must believe that every person, place and thing in the entire universe (including Osama bin Laden) is God. Even though we all look different on the outside and each of us has unique talents and experiences, each of us is just God in drag.

Waking Up

My ego presents a compelling argument that I cannot be happy without the love and respect of everyone I know, a ton of money in the bank, perfect health and appearance and all the comforts of life that the "have gots" enjoy. My ego convinces me that I have been put on earth to achieve something, to get recognized, to be all I can be and the price I pay for failing is to become a loser -- someone with no value.

The fear of being a nobody motivated me to do everything I could to win at the game of life. I worked my ass off, people pleased, manipulated, lied, cheated and tried to do everything perfectly. I strove to come out on top, to get my picture in the paper. I became a human "doing." I was stressed to the max but I figured this was the price that I had to pay. It's the way I saw my father go through life.

The illusion, of course, is that as soon as I get all my ducks in a row, life will be perfect. Then I can relax and live happily ever after in some kind of warm and comfortable cocoon just like the rich and famous in People magazine. I bought into this dream totally. There were times in my life when I did get a taste of success and the exhilaration it brought, but just as soon as I’d begin to relax someone would come along and spill the gravy on the new carpet of my life. Then I’d be off again trying to outrun the fear that nipped at my heels -- absolutely convinced that life will be just grand someday as soon as I discovered the secret handshake.

Fortunately, I became an alcoholic. I have a disease that will kill me unless I awaken spiritually and see the dream for what it is -- an illusion perpetrated by my ego that keeps me in everlasting suffering. Without this malady of body, mind and spirit, I’m sure I would have continued sleepwalking through life, caring only about entertaining myself and staying comfortable, trying to outrun the fear. Instead today I am living a life of simple contentment that gets less fearful day by day.