Serenity is boring to my ego. Stumbling through life in drunken delusion. Now that's exciting! Making stupid decisions; telling lies to cover up lies; pretending to be something I wasn't; manipulating others to get my way; alcohol fueled arguments; driving with my hand over one eye to see one white line instead of three; the list goes on ad infinitum. Non-stop struggle and drama characterized my life for as long as I could remember. Yes, there was pain and stress, but I figured this was just the way life is so I just sucked it up.
I didn't know any other way to live until I stumbled into my first meeting. Almost immediately the obsession was removed. I floated on a pink cloud. Like any good alcoholic, I wanted more. I wanted the peace I saw in the eyes of the old timers. You said if I wanted what you had, I ought to do what you do. I began to take suggestions. Slowly, slowly I experienced moments of feeling a part of instead apart from. Ego resisted because ego wants no part of God, spirituality or Alcoholics Anonymous. Ego tries to convince me to go back to the "good old days." Ego wants me to believe in AA I am resigned to a life that is boring and glum. Ego keeps asking, "Where's the juice?"
Participation in Alcoholics Anonymous keeps life juicy for me, especially working with others. I get a kick out of walking with another man through the steps, seeing the light come on in his eyes, and watching him grow and change. Like it says in our book, it's an experience I'm glad I didn't miss. But there are a number of other things I do to keep my life fun, interesting and rewarding. I attend different meetings; read and study spiritual literature; and travel regularly to scenic spots in my new camper, "Acceptance," to hike alone in nature. Since I am no longer chased through life by the demons of guilt, shame and fear, my life is better today than ever before.
I heard once that the secret to a fulfilling, happy life is having someone to love, something to do that your really enjoy, and something to look forward to. Alcoholics Anonymous gives me all three. Perhaps my life today is not as heart pounding exciting as my life when I was drinking and living on the edge, but I don't miss it. Today I stay pretty close to the middle. No high highs, but no low lows either. Just even.