Restored to Sanity

 "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned." BB pg 84

The first time I heard the voice was on a hot sticky summer evening in 2003. I was nine years sober and working a decent program. After an argument with my then wife, I had retreated to my office at home, slamming the door behind me. Bam! In the font of my anger, slamming the door was my exclamation point. Years before, then with a different wife, I had slammed an expensive dinner plate onto the kitchen floor. It shattered into a million tiny pieces. I learned that door slamming was cheaper and more effective. Sometimes a few pictures fell off the wall, but usually nothing broke. Besides, if I didn’t get the right satisfaction from slamming the door the first time, I could always slam it again, harder. You just can’t do that with a broken dinner plate.

My face felt purple as wave after wave of adrenaline surged through me. I panted in short shallow gasps. Had this been a cartoon you would have seen black smoke shooting out of both of my ears like Popeye just before he finally eats the spinach and clobbers Bluto. 

Then I heard the voice. It said, “You don’t have to live this way anymore if you don’t want to.” It was the first time in my life I realized that every time I react in anger towards others, I'm the one who gets hurt. My peace of mind goes out the window. I not only say and do hurtful things, but I give away my serenity. This is just shooting myself in the foot.That evening I made peace of mind my number one goal. 

My restoration to sanity -- to a life of balance, harmony and order is nothing I did and everything God did. It has been a long slow process, but today, by working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability, I enjoy a life that is peaceful and contented. Four years ago I met a beautiful woman. We bought a home together and became partners in life. It's amazing to note that we have never had an argument of any kind during these four years. Wow!

Spiritual Goodness

 AA is a spiritual force for good in the world. There is no way I can imagine God would allow AA to fail. God has got our backs. So for me our tradition of self supporting is more about my relationship with money and less about AA succeeding.

I walked through the doors to my first meeting consumed by a “hundred forms of fear.” Most fears were about not having enough money. Unemployed, I had been living on borrowed money for months. Creditors were calling. I was a couple of months from being unable to pay my rent. I awoke every morning with an ache of fear in my gut.

I lived in the delusion that a new high-paying job would fix everything, but no job was forthcoming and today I know why. Alcoholism had cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. I could not muster the spiritual energy necessary to do the work to find the right work.

As a last resort I took the actions necessary to put myself in the center of AA and there I found a God of my own misunderstanding. Self-centered fear began to dissipate — replaced by the faith that as long as I do my part, there is no need to worry. It took a few years, but fear gave way to a sense of balance, harmony and order.  I walk through each day with the feeling I have just enough of everything. I spend money freely, but not extravagantly. I am generous with my time and money in and out of AA. In these ways I keep spiritual goodness flowing through my life.