The Bedevilments on page 52 of our book describes what it was like for me before I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me to AA. I was unemployed and running out of borrowed money but unable to muster up the energy to look for work. I had chased everyone out of my life. I was filled with resentment and simmering anger. I was taking Prozac for depression. I wasn’t any real help to other people because I didn’t really care about other people unless they had something I wanted. I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything other than drinking and using. I woke up every morning with an growing ache of fear in my gut.
Back then I had no idea what was wrong with me. Today I know I was suffering from spiritual illness. I was encrusted with self-centered fear. Like it says in our book, I was afraid I wouldn't get something I needed to live comfortably (love) and I was afraid I would lose something I needed to live (love). These fears had been there since childhood. They forced me to try and control every aspect of my life and all the people in it. This need to control in turn blocked spirit from working in my life. I was living on Jeff power, which we know is really no power at all.
In going through the steps I discovered defects that all stemmed from my need to control -- lying, manipulation, false pride, perfectionism, and the need to always be right. I discovered that as long as fear was driving my life I really had no choice but to keep acting the way I was acting. I kept coming back and began to change.
I am a completely different person than I was back then. The fear has abated and so has my need to control. I'm so grateful I was graced with the disease of alcoholism. There is no way I could have travelled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me unless it was treated spiritually with the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Have a great sober week.