My Blind Side

Bill talked about my blind side when he wrote:

"Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of the occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse." 12x12 pg. 77

"How are you, Jeff?" a member asked when I was a few months sober. "Fine," I replied. He looked at me and smiled. "Fine, for people like us, means frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional." I couldn't see how this could be true because I felt fine, I really did. The obsession to drink had been removed and I was floating on a pink cloud. Today I can see the truth in what he said. I can feel fine, but as long as I'm carrying around the accumulated guilt, fear, anger, shame and resentment from the past in my subconscious, I'm really not fine. I'm just experiencing a temporary lull between fearful reactions to the people and events of my life.

When someone pushes one of my buttons -- and there seem to be an abundance of expert button pushers in my world -- I instinctively react. I don't see it coming. Often my defensive, angry reaction seems to be stronger, more violent, than the situation calls for. For many years it used to surprise me when simple anger would turn to rage or a tiny mistake would turn to shame. Today I know whenever I over react it's because of some ancient hurt in my subconscious that's not yet healed. Fortunately I have a spiritual program that works both above and below the surface of my consciousness to make me whole. All I need is the willingness to take the actions suggested.