Letting Go

Last Sunday, three days after we arrived in the US, Lola had emergency surgery to control an internal infection that was spreading like wildfire throughout her body.

This whole week has been about letting go. Letting go of what I want, what I  expect, what I think all the doctors and nurses hospital should do, and most importantly letting go of my desire to try and change Lola -- to fix her.

It took a few days of trying to control the universe for me to remember that my job is simply to show up and help where ever I can. Trying to convince Lola not to be afraid and disappointed is not in my job description. That’s God’s business.

I’m coming to believe that “I”, as an ego, can’t let go. The best I can do is loosen my grip and not hold on so tightly. The dynamic process of the 12 steps dissolves my fear, grows my faith and makes me ready for God to remove my need to hold on.

Waiting for pain to motivate me to let go seems like such an inefficient way to go through life. Yet, that seems to be exactly where I am. The really good news is that today it takes less and less pain for me to realize I’m holding on too tightly.

Lola is receiving wonderful care and resting comfortably. We hope she will be discharged in the next couple of days. Unfortunately she still faces another major surgery in the very near future.  My AA friends here in San Diego have provided fantastic support.  Never once did I feel alone.