I didn’t know I was dying. If I had really seen the truth about my life, who knows what I might have done? Thank God for denial. I was right up against hopeless, but I didn’t know it. I knew something was wrong, but I refused to admit getting drunk two or three times a day had any thing to do with it. Alcohol was not my problem. It was my solution.
My own best thinking was that a new job would make everything all right. But every potential job looked beneath me. (After all, I was a seasoned veteran with a vast reservoir of skills.) Paralyzed to take any job hunting actions, my checking account plummeted and I awoke every morning with an ache of fear. The best I could do was wait until 10:00 am for the first drink.
I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to get sober. It was grace pure and simple. I was led to AA after God whispered to me that there was a softer, easier way to go through life than the way I was going. Powerful grace broke through the thick wall of denial and allowed me a glimpse of the truth about myself. I saw I was drowning. AA threw me a life ring and I’ve been holding on ever since.
Today the AA program for living is supporting me through the most difficult, painful experience of my life. Thanks to AA I am able to show up for my wife instead of hiding out in a bottle like I did with my mother. I don’t dwell in the future. Instead I simply do the next indicated thing and turn the results over to God. It works. It really does!