Will I Drink Again?

I was in a meeting the other day and heard a member wonder out loud about whether, after two years of successful recovery, has changed enough to drink again. Frankly, I’ve never considered this question before. Some members might think it is dangerous to even consider such a thing, but I think it's a great question.

Certainly I’ve experienced huge internal changes over the past twenty plus years in the way I think and react. I’ve come a long way from the anxious, frustrated, angry person I used to be. Yet, I can still lose my spiritual balance at the drop of a hat and act like King Baby. I still carry many of the old ideas I walked through the doors with. I certainly have not experienced the “entire” psychic change the good doctor talks about in the Doctor’s Opinion. I’m much better today but not entirely restored to sanity.

Besides my stinking thinking, I cannot forget that I have an allergy to alcohol in any form. Drinking is not my problem. It’s the inability to stop drinking after a couple that always put me in a ditch. Not only do I say and do things I regret later, but I lose my spiritual compass when I'm drinking. Like the book points out, an alcoholic who drinks is going against his natural state of being. In essence he is committing suicide. Perhaps it is possible to bypass the phenomenon of craving and regain control if my genetic code is completely rewired. I haven’t heard that science has figured out how to do this yet in humans. Maybe in mice.

I have no idea whether or not I will drink again. But I am almost positive I won’t drink today. I say almost positive because I’ve been around long enough to see members come and go by the droves. I’m sure many of them had no clue they were going to drink the day they went out. I heard one man share he just woke up with a drink in his hand—like he was in a trance. Some share they went straight from the AA meeting to the bar. I try to remember that every day I am sober is a gift from God. Sure, I go to meetings and work with others, but my recovery is nothing I do and everything God does. Despite my best efforts, if I am supposed to drink again, I will.

Even if I could drink reasonably, I’m not sure I would. I enjoy being a member of AA too much. You guys are my tribe. I’ve had a taste of the spiritual mystery and I want more. I want to continue to enjoy greater and greater peace of mind, freedom and joy. I’m convinced none of this is possible if I drink again. I’d be giving up too much. It’s just not worth it.