My best thinking was that if I had a new high paying job I would get a new girlfriend, get out of debt and live happily ever after. Of course I completely ignored the fact that I had had high paying jobs before and wasn’t anything close to happy or fulfilled, but this time would be different. I wanted God to change my outsides--to fix me--but I never really thought to pray to be changed inside. After all I was a pretty good guy.
It’s still hard for me to see that my life experiences are nothing but a reflection of my inner state of mind. Can’t I get away with holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy and fear--just a little? Nope. Sooner or later pain results and the pain morphs into suffering and the suffering continues until I become willing to let go. Pain is the only way the universe has to get my attention--to remind me that I’m swimming against the current of life. Without knowing it, I lived in spiritual pain for most of my life until I a moment of clarity guided me to Alcoholics Anonymous.
I’m coming to believe that it’s all grace, everything in life is grace. Alcoholism is grace; resisting spiritual help is grace and the resulting pain is grace--all gifts from a loving universe that wants nothing more for me than my highest and best good. I don’t have to learn anything new to receive the keys to the kingdom. All I really have to do is to be willing to let go: let go of everything I think that is right and everything I think that is wrong; let go of big things; let go of little things. Let it all go. The problem is I don't have the power to let go of anything. The best I can do is loosen my grip by working the Twelve Steps to the best of my ability and allow God to do the rest on God's time.