I inventoried my resentments the first time because I was afraid I would
drink if I didn't. I took fourth and tenth step inventories throughout
my early sobriety to try and quiet the alcoholic thinking and feeling
that raged within. I inventory today because I learned that carrying a
resentment makes it impossible to enjoy peace of mind and a useful
contented life. I no longer want to give away my serenity to people and
circumstances that pop up in my life. I no longer want to suffer the
dull ache of self-centered fear.
Finding my part in a
resentment, no matter how tiny, is like finding a gold nugget. It's like
discovering a secret doorway to freedom. When I find my part -- when I
see that "somewhere in the past, I set the ball rolling" -- I can take
responsibility for my healing. I know too, that I will always be shown
this truth if I am willing to look. None of us are victims or innocent
bystanders. If I point one finger of blame at someone else, I always
have three fingers pointed back at me.
I don't make
startling discoveries about myself every time I inventory my
resentments, but I grow anyways. The process of self-discovery, of
putting pen to paper, is a demonstration of my willingness. My job is to
be willing to be changed. Spirit does the rest.