Restored to Sanity

 "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned." BB pg 84

The first time I heard the voice was on a hot sticky summer evening in 2003. I was nine years sober and working a decent program. After an argument with my then wife, I had retreated to my office at home, slamming the door behind me. Bam! In the font of my anger, slamming the door was my exclamation point. Years before, then with a different wife, I had slammed an expensive dinner plate onto the kitchen floor. It shattered into a million tiny pieces. I learned that door slamming was cheaper and more effective. Sometimes a few pictures fell off the wall, but usually nothing broke. Besides, if I didn’t get the right satisfaction from slamming the door the first time, I could always slam it again, harder. You just can’t do that with a broken dinner plate.

My face felt purple as wave after wave of adrenaline surged through me. I panted in short shallow gasps. Had this been a cartoon you would have seen black smoke shooting out of both of my ears like Popeye just before he finally eats the spinach and clobbers Bluto. 

Then I heard the voice. It said, “You don’t have to live this way anymore if you don’t want to.” It was the first time in my life I realized that every time I react in anger towards others, I'm the one who gets hurt. My peace of mind goes out the window. I not only say and do hurtful things, but I give away my serenity. This is just shooting myself in the foot.That evening I made peace of mind my number one goal. 

My restoration to sanity -- to a life of balance, harmony and order is nothing I did and everything God did. It has been a long slow process, but today, by working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability, I enjoy a life that is peaceful and contented. Four years ago I met a beautiful woman. We bought a home together and became partners in life. It's amazing to note that we have never had an argument of any kind during these four years. Wow!

Spiritual Goodness

 AA is a spiritual force for good in the world. There is no way I can imagine God would allow AA to fail. God has got our backs. So for me our tradition of self supporting is more about my relationship with money and less about AA succeeding.

I walked through the doors to my first meeting consumed by a “hundred forms of fear.” Most fears were about not having enough money. Unemployed, I had been living on borrowed money for months. Creditors were calling. I was a couple of months from being unable to pay my rent. I awoke every morning with an ache of fear in my gut.

I lived in the delusion that a new high-paying job would fix everything, but no job was forthcoming and today I know why. Alcoholism had cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. I could not muster the spiritual energy necessary to do the work to find the right work.

As a last resort I took the actions necessary to put myself in the center of AA and there I found a God of my own misunderstanding. Self-centered fear began to dissipate — replaced by the faith that as long as I do my part, there is no need to worry. It took a few years, but fear gave way to a sense of balance, harmony and order.  I walk through each day with the feeling I have just enough of everything. I spend money freely, but not extravagantly. I am generous with my time and money in and out of AA. In these ways I keep spiritual goodness flowing through my life.

Spiritual Awakening

I don't know who or what  God is, but I do know that I was changed in a profound way at the very beginning of my journey in recovery and that I've continued to be changed -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly-- throughout my time in Alcoholics Anonymous.

The desire to drink was completely lifted out of me on the day I signed up for treatment. Before my first meeting, before getting a sponsor and before working any steps, I was freed from the obsession that had held me captive for thirty years. I was getting ready for bed that night when I realized I hadn’t thought about a drink all day.  I wondered what the hell had happened. I  didn't realize it at the time, but today I know  Spirit had awoken in me and was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I floated into my first meeting on a pink cloud.  My outside circumstances hadn’t changed -- I was still unemployed and running out of borrowed money-- but something was going on inside me that I didn’t understand.  I felt downright blissful. I laughed, really laughed for the first time in years. I had the sense that I had finally found my way home after a long painful journey. Like any good alcoholic I wanted more. I wanted to keep this great feeling alive. There was something happening in the rooms that I wanted. You pointed to the steps on the wall.

I wanted what you had so I did what you did: meetings, steps. service. AA became a way of life for me and the Twelve Promises began to come true. Of all the promises, I continue to be most amazed by "you will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you." Today I have absolute faith that I'll be shown the way out of any "problem" that pops up in my life. Why would I drink?

I look at my alcoholism as a blessing. I could not have travelled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that could only be treated with spiritual grace. 

Drinking Like Other People

“Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people. Here are some of the methods we have tried… .” BB pg 32

I spent my career in hospitality management. I saw plenty of drinking. I watched as most other people stopped after one or two or maybe a few drinks. Of course there was always a small percentage that kept going until they started slurring their words and wobbling their way to the restroom. Most people know when they've had enough. Halfway through her second glass of wine, my second wife would stop drinking and say, "Oh, I'm starting to feel it." Then she would push the glass away. Nothing used to irritate me more than to see someone leave a half-finished drink. When other people start to feel it, I'm just getting started.

I drank for thirty years. I could stop after one or two drinks. But I never wanted to. I could stop if I had a business thing to attend to. Most of the time I could stop if I were out in public because I never wanted you to see me drunk. The only way I could stop was to control it. Occasionally I would lose control and suffer consequences. Getting arrested going the wrong way on the Golden Gate bridge comes to mind. The allergy required me to go on drinking despite some ugly consequences.  

Gratefully, I have been placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. I don't want to drink and I don't want not to drink. It doesn't ever come up. There is no urge to drink, there is no idea that a drink would be a bad idea. It just doesn't register. Like our book says, "We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed."

Expectations

 I remember whining to my sponsor when I was new about how the people in my life weren’t following my script. “Do you always expect to get your way?” he asked. “Yes, of course" I replied. Well then you had better prepare yourself for a life full of disappointment because it’s never going to happen.” I was shocked. Of course I expect to get my way. Doesn’t everyone? 

Expectations, especially of other people, sooner or later end in resentment for me. The more reasonable my expectation, the angrier I became when it isn't met. I expected people to treat me with courtesy and respect. It took many years in AA to see that when I point my finger of guilt at others, I have three fingers pointing back at me. I expected courtesy and respect, but hardly treated others this way. Today I'm better. 

Today I know that God puts other people in my life not to fulfill my expectations but to help me grow.  We are all hot-wired to pursue our own happiness. Living without demands on others is truly the softer, easier way to go through life. I'm working on it. 

Spiritual Malady

The Bedevilments  on page 52 of our book describes what it was like for me before I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me to AA.  I was unemployed and running out of borrowed money but unable to muster up the energy to look for work. I had chased everyone out of my life. I was filled with resentment and simmering anger. I was taking Prozac for depression. I wasn’t any real help to other people because I didn’t really care about other people unless they had something I wanted. I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything other than drinking and using. I woke up every morning with an growing ache of fear in my gut. 

Back then I had no idea what was wrong with me. Today I know I was suffering from spiritual illness. I was encrusted with self-centered fear. Like it says in our book, I was afraid I wouldn't get something I needed to live comfortably (love) and I was afraid I would lose something I needed to live (love). These fears had been there since childhood. They forced me to try and control every aspect of my life and all the people in it. This need to control in turn blocked spirit from working in my life. I was living on Jeff power, which we know is really no power at all.

In going through the steps I discovered defects that all stemmed from my need to control -- lying, manipulation, false pride, perfectionism, and the need to always be right.  I discovered that as long as fear was driving my life I really had no choice but to keep acting the way I was acting. I kept coming back and began to change. 

I am a completely different person than I was back then. The fear has abated and so has my need to control. I'm so grateful I was graced with the disease of alcoholism. There is no way I could have travelled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me unless it was treated spiritually with the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Have a great sober week. 

Happy, Joyous, Free

 I don't feel happy, joyous and free most of the time, but even the perfectionist in me must admit that I have been changed in a deep and meaningful way. 

Today I look people in the eye when I'm talking with them. I’m quicker to forgive because I understand that, like me, people don’t really have a choice but to do what they do. I don’t always have to flip off every driver who does something stupid. Mostly my life feels peaceful and serene. I often catch myself feeling happy for no particular reason. Restlessness, irritability and discontent is fading away. I realize God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Today I enjoy many freedoms. I am free from needing to change the way I feel, to self-medicate (unless of course you count caffeine). I am free from alcoholic loneliness -- that feeling of a hole in my gut that the wind whistles through. I am free from the guilt and shame that kept me chained to yesterday. I am free from the war of self-hate I waged against myself for more than forty years before I began my spiritual journey  in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My perception of life has changed dramatically. I was a "glass half-empty" guy. I automatically reacted negatively to almost everything that went on. Today, I automatically react positively to almost everything. I practice an attitude of gratitude by slowly letting go of my attachment to getting what I want, by suiting up and showing up for life and by trying to be helpful wherever I can. I show appreciation for others in my life. I try not to complain.

I'm coming to realize that my life is nothing I do and everything God does. The good stuff, the bad stuff and the downright ugly stuff. It's all Grace.