Keeping It Green

My recovery is both a mystery and a miracle to me. It is a mystery because I have no real understanding of God or whatever you want to call God. I can't explain how, after thirty years of daily drinking, the obsession was immediately removed on day one; I've been able to walk through many painful experiences without the need to try and change the way I feel with alcohol, drugs, sex, food, spending or any other quick fix; or how, when confronted with any challenge, large or small, the solution almost immediately presents itself if I am willing to pause and listen. Even though I hear "How It Works" read at every meeting, I still have no idea how it works. Not really. It is still a mystery to me.

My recovery is a miracle because I'm a completely different person than I was when I walked through the doors to my first meeting. My whole attitude and outlook has changed. Today I see the glass half full instead of half empty. I have a full range of emotions, not just fear expressed as anger. The little red veins on the side of my nose have disappeared and the 20 extra pounds of alcoholic bloat I was carrying is gone. Today when I talk to others, I look them in the eyes instead of looking down at my shoes. Today instead of retreating into self-centered isolation, I let others know what's going on with me. I have learned to laugh at myself. My life feels useful and contented. I am happy most of the time.

I never want to forget what it was like before the miracle happened. I keep it green by sharing my drinking experiences freely. My drunk-a-log might be different than yours, but our feelings of fear, self-hate and bewilderment are exactly the same. I was taught that if I want a newcomer to identify with me, I must talk about my drinking and how I was willing to go to any length to change the way I felt, in spite of the potential consequences.