There's a certain truth that exists for me in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous that I haven't been able to find elsewhere. By the time I got here, I had heard the lies for so long I believed them totally. The lies about relationships, success, how life works, even the lies about God. I believed that it was a "dog eat dog" world and whoever had the most money and other stuff at the end was the winner. I believed that getting and staying comfortable was the number one goal. I went to any lengths to get comfortable and sometimes, for brief periods, it felt like I was winning, but the emptiness would always return. For thirty years I drank to fill up the emptiness. Today I realize that it was the spirit of God that was missing from my life.
Meetings for me are like cool clear water dripping into a bucket full of muddy, dirty water. Over time the water in my bucket has become clearer. But there are still rocks and sticks and rusty beer cans in the bottom of my bucket. Meetings will not lift these out of my bucket, only the continuous, dynamic action of the 12 steps applied to my life one day at a time has removed some of these big chunks.
Each meeting I attend has the potential of 12th step work if I am focused on what I'm bringing to the meeting rather than getting what I think I need. If I'm sitting in a meeting condemning, resentful, and judgmental, I'm not much help to anyone else. But I gotta keep coming back anyways. It's the only chance I have.