My alcoholism did not begin when I snuck my first drink at the age of 13. It began much earlier. When other kids were beginning to develop a healthy sense of self, I was beginning to develop fears and insecurities and feelings of separation, of not fitting in. Bill said that bottles were only a symbol for us. I drank at those fears and insecurities for 30 years.

I constantly compared myself to everyone else in my world. I was always either better than or worse than. Since no one was ever my equal I was alone. All alone. As I got older alcohol and drugs made living with this separation easier to bear.

I rejoined life through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The laughter and the love we share is very attractive, but for me the most important feature is that we are all equal and being equal. there is no need for competition. It doesn't matter if I drive a new BMW or live under the bridge, I am equal in the eyes of God and in the AA fellowship. Everyone has earned his or her seat and there's no one seat that's better or worse than other.

Feeling "apart of" in AA is a good start, but I must go farther if I want to continue to grow and change. I must take my program to the "street." I need to expand that feeling of equality to include everyone else on the planet. I'm not there yet. That's why I gotta keep coming back.

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