Reliance not Defiance

My defiance is very subtle. It sometimes starts out first thing in the morning. The small voice reminds me that I should get quiet and connect with my Higher Power. I ignore the voice, decide to check my email and read the news instead and my day starts off on exactly the wrong footing. The voice says pick up the phone and call another alcoholic. My ego tells me to wait until one of them calls me. The voice reminds me about the AA meeting, but I got more important things to do. Besides I'm feeling "fine." Someone says or does something I don't like. I defy the voice that says "let it go, Jeff." I end up making a mountain out of a molehill and saying things I don't really mean. One more time I have given away my serenity. I have "squander(ed) the hours that might have been worth while."

What is it but plain insanity to choose "being right" over "being happy"?

The small voice usually comes to me as a thought, but sometimes, if the world is not drowning it out, I actually hear a voice whisper inside my head. I am coming to believe that this voice is my guidance system leading me to wholeness. I need only get quiet and listen and then follow directions. Of course I don't hear the voice if I already have my mind made up or if I'm fearful, angry or resentful. Then it's like I'm saying to the universe "thanks but won't be needing any guidance or help today. I can handle this myself." Immediately the voices stop.

Left to my own devices, without Good Orderly Direction, I'm guiding myself right back to that dirty, darkened apartment, where I sat day after day on that dirty easy chair with the bottle of wine, bag of pot, overflowing ashtray, fast food bags and pizza boxes scattered at my feet watching reruns of Gilligan's Island and other lame daytime TV all the while thinking this was a great way to live.

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