One more time I had reacted in anger that bordered on rage. I said things I regretted. I completely lost my serenity. I ruined another day. I sat in my office fuming as the adrenaline from the argument coursed through me. I noticed it didn't feel good, like I was going to puke. As I began to cool down I started wondering how it happened. I realized that this incident was just part of a continuing pattern of reaction that had gone on as long as I could remember.
I was about nine years sober at the time. I had attended many hundreds of meetings, sponsored a number of guys and had worked through the steps many times. I had shared with sponsors many of the other incidents when I reacted in anger. I would be OK for a while and then, almost out of the blue, someone would do or say something that would trigger a fear in me and I would react in anger. I simply could not help myself. Restraint of tongue and pen was impossible.
That night I reached a bottom. I had become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Right there and then I made peace of mind the number one goal of my life. I put peace of mind ahead of my work, my relationships and my 401K plan. I became willing to go to any lengths to protect my peace. I began to pay attention to my peace of mind. When I lose it I ask myself why in morning inventories. I have discovered many things about myself.
Unlike my compulsion to drink, my fearful reactions were not lifted out of me in a flash. It has been a long slow process, but I'm much better today. I believe I became sensitive to the quality of my inner peace through working the steps. The steps also gave me the tools to look within at causes and conditions and the faith to ask my Higher Power for help in seeing the truth about myself.