Giving It Away to Keep It

My sobriety is a gift. A gift I didn't even know I needed or wanted - a gift that I certainly did nothing to earn. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the gift began when God put Bill S, a massage therapist, into my life.

Bill wasn’t at all like my rich friends at the golf club. Yet there was something about him I was drawn to. Today I know that Bill had spirit working in his life.

It was 1988, six years before I got sober. Bill came to my home weekly to iron out the kinks in my super stressed-out body. Bill came over at cocktail hour just as I arrived home from the office. Sometimes he had to wait a few minutes while I gulped down a couple of quick scotches - to get relaxed enough to be massaged!

As he worked on me, I asked him about his life. He told me that seven years earlier he had been a heroin addict in Venice Beach, California.  Now he was married to a professional manager, had a nice, clean used car and owned a home. “What did you do to change?” I asked. “I sobered up in AA,” he said. I acted interested, but I really wasn’t. The following week he brought me a Big Book. After he left, I poured myself a drink and skimmed through the book and promptly gave it to a friend who really needed it.

I wasn’t ready then, but Bill had planted a seed in me. Today I know, like Bill, I have to give it away to keep it. It doesn’t matter if the person is ready to receive the gift. That’s up to his or her higher power. 

Forgiveness

 I begin the forgiveness process in Step Eight. As long as I am unwilling to forgive, I block my HP out of my life. The light goes out. Then I’m back to running on Jeff power fueled by the energy of my ego. My mind whirs in a constant state of condemnation. I send out the vicious attack dogs to find more evidence of your guilt. They return and obediently drop it at my feet. Now I have new bones to chew on. I’m drinking the rat poison waiting for the rat to die. True happiness is impossible. Man o’ man, I just don’t want to live this way anymore.  

I don’t practice forgiveness because I’m a good guy. I practice because I don’t want to suffer. It is forgiveness of self and others that wipes away the anger. This doesn't mean I condone what you did, it’s just I choose to forgive you for it. Sometimes it takes a while to get to the place of forgiveness, but I notice that the amount of time I’m willing to sit in my own crap is less and less as the years roll by. 

Through the years I’ve tried everything suggested. I’ve tried to see the other person as spiritually sick, I’ve prayed, I’ve written steps. I try to remember when I point my finger of condemnation at someone, I’ve got three fingers pointing back at me. When I realize that I have done the very same things to others that you have done to me, forgiveness comes easy...well, easier. Forgiveness is the E-ticket to my own peace of mind.

Miracle of Healing

They say recovery in AA is like playing a country and western record backwards, after a little while you get your girl back and your car back and your happiness back etc. It was like that for me. I was a couple of Months sober and had started to get my life back. So there I was in my suit at a noon time meeting sharing that I had had a high bottom, etc. I was unaware that my sponsor had slipped in the room.

After the meeting he came up to me and said, "so you were a high bottom guy? Funny, I seem to recall that you are just now going through a bankruptcy, that you've been divorced, that you are deep in debt, that didn't have a job for two years and that you basically spent the last few months of your drinking inside your apartment. Doesn't sound so high bottom to me." 

The truth is that before AA I was hopeless and didn't know it. It's taken me a while to realize how far down the scale I went. Even through I still had an apartment and a car and enough money to pay for those things for a couple more months, I was in deep doo doo. I was 47 years old, unemployed and living in a dirty apartment on borrowed money which was quickly running out. My mind told me that as soon as I found another big pay job everything would be fine. But my alcoholism had taken away my will to work and to make something of my life. I had no energy for anything other than getting high and watching lame daytime TV.

Then I got a moment of grace that led me to a therapist who told me the truth. She said she couldn’t help me but maybe the treatment center up the street could. I took her suggestion and and three  days later I enrolled in a treatment program and three days after that I walked into my first AA meeting. Suddenly I was filled with hope that if I did what you did, I could get what you had. I floated on a pink cloud. 

I loved everything about AA. I went to 400 meetings in my first year and did everything else that was suggested. By putting myself in the center of AA I make space for my higher power in the center of my life. Since then there have been non-stop miracles. It's almost hard to believe that I could get to where I am from where I was.

My Eskimo

I identify with the story about the guy stranded on an iceberg floating out to sea.  As he  was praying for God to save him, an Eskimo came by in a kayak and suggested if he jumped in, he would row him to safety. No thanks, he said. God would save him. The guy dies and when he gets to heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God replied that he sent him an Eskimo in a kayak, but he wasn't ready.

My Eskimo was a massage therapist named Bill S. Thirty plus years ago, Bill came to my home weekly to iron out the inks in my super stressed-out body. Bill showed up at 5:30 PM just as I arrived home from the office. Sometimes he had to wait a few minutes while I gulped down a couple of quick scotches - to get relaxed enough to be massaged.

Bill had something I wanted. I didn't know what it was at the time, but today I know he had Spirit working in his life. He was friendly, kind and seemed stress free. As he worked on me, he told me his story. Just seven years earlier he had been homeless on the streets in Venice Beach, CA. Now he was married to a woman who held a big corporate job. Bill had a nice car and they owned a home. “What did you do to change?” I asked. “I sobered up in AA,” he said. And went on to talk about his experiences. I acted interested, but I really wasn't. The next week he brought me a Big Book. I skimmed the first 164 pages and a few of the stories in the back, then promptly gave it to a friend who really needed it. 

Fast forward a few months. The big-paying job was gone and my marriage was breaking up.  I decided to quit drinking as an experiment. The next time Bill came over, I told him I wasn’t drinking. “Do you want to go to a meeting?” He asked.  I reluctantly went along to prove to myself AA was not for me. It was a large speaker meeting  and I was right. Not for me.

I struggled for the next six years and floated further and further out to sea. Finally Grace let me see how pathetic my life had become. I was forty seven years old, unemployed again and living on borrowed money. I had no friends except the lower companions I met at the bar every afternoon for "happy" hour. The pain continued to ratchet up until I finally became willing to be changed and thanks to my Eskimo, Bill, I knew exactly where to go.

My Greatest Blessing

I have come to realize that, next to life itself, alcoholism is my greatest blessing. There is absolutely no other way I could have traveled from where I was  to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me without spiritual treatment. My alcoholism turned out to be my e-ticket out of bondage of self into a life of beauty and meaning.

I don't know who or what God is, but I do know that I was changed in a profound way at the very beginning of my journey in recovery and that I've continued to be changed -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly-- throughout my time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I know from the core of my being my spiritual growth is nothing I did and everything God did.

The first blessing I received happened before my first meeting, before I got a sponsor and before I worked any steps. The compulsion to drink was completely lifted out of me. I haven't seriously thought about a drink for almost 28 years now. Perhaps the next most important blessings were the courage to ask for help and the willingness to do what was suggested. Meetings, steps, and service became my Life plan and they remain so today.

The blessings never stopped. Today I spend very little time in fear, anger, or guilt. Like our book says, I enjoy a new freedom and a new happiness. I am no longer baffled when a painful situation arises. Today when I lose my peace I know it is because I carry a remnant of alcoholic thinking. I am trying to impose my self-centered version of reality on life instead of accepting Life exactly as it is. Today, more than ever, I am blessed to realize that life is perfect just the way it is and that every one of my life experiences was intended to help me grow and change. So why would I have any regrets?

I've experienced great joy in my journey to wholeness. Blessed beyond words to have had so many wonderful, sober traveling companions, I owe my very life to all of those I've met along the way, especially those who have reached out their hand to me and those who invited me into their lives as a friend and sponsor. 

I am so grateful to be alcoholic and to have been graced with all the blessings I experienced in Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Restored to Sanity

 "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned." BB pg 84

The first time I heard the voice was on a hot sticky summer evening in 2003. I was nine years sober and working a decent program. After an argument with my then wife, I had retreated to my office at home, slamming the door behind me. Bam! In the font of my anger, slamming the door was my exclamation point. Years before, then with a different wife, I had slammed an expensive dinner plate onto the kitchen floor. It shattered into a million tiny pieces. I learned that door slamming was cheaper and more effective. Sometimes a few pictures fell off the wall, but usually nothing broke. Besides, if I didn’t get the right satisfaction from slamming the door the first time, I could always slam it again, harder. You just can’t do that with a broken dinner plate.

My face felt purple as wave after wave of adrenaline surged through me. I panted in short shallow gasps. Had this been a cartoon you would have seen black smoke shooting out of both of my ears like Popeye just before he finally eats the spinach and clobbers Bluto. 

Then I heard the voice. It said, “You don’t have to live this way anymore if you don’t want to.” It was the first time in my life I realized that every time I react in anger towards others, I'm the one who gets hurt. My peace of mind goes out the window. I not only say and do hurtful things, but I give away my serenity. This is just shooting myself in the foot.That evening I made peace of mind my number one goal. 

My restoration to sanity -- to a life of balance, harmony and order is nothing I did and everything God did. It has been a long slow process, but today, by working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my ability, I enjoy a life that is peaceful and contented. Four years ago I met a beautiful woman. We bought a home together and became partners in life. It's amazing to note that we have never had an argument of any kind during these four years. Wow!

Spiritual Goodness

 AA is a spiritual force for good in the world. There is no way I can imagine God would allow AA to fail. God has got our backs. So for me our tradition of self supporting is more about my relationship with money and less about AA succeeding.

I walked through the doors to my first meeting consumed by a “hundred forms of fear.” Most fears were about not having enough money. Unemployed, I had been living on borrowed money for months. Creditors were calling. I was a couple of months from being unable to pay my rent. I awoke every morning with an ache of fear in my gut.

I lived in the delusion that a new high-paying job would fix everything, but no job was forthcoming and today I know why. Alcoholism had cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. I could not muster the spiritual energy necessary to do the work to find the right work.

As a last resort I took the actions necessary to put myself in the center of AA and there I found a God of my own misunderstanding. Self-centered fear began to dissipate — replaced by the faith that as long as I do my part, there is no need to worry. It took a few years, but fear gave way to a sense of balance, harmony and order.  I walk through each day with the feeling I have just enough of everything. I spend money freely, but not extravagantly. I am generous with my time and money in and out of AA. In these ways I keep spiritual goodness flowing through my life.

Spiritual Awakening

I don't know who or what  God is, but I do know that I was changed in a profound way at the very beginning of my journey in recovery and that I've continued to be changed -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly-- throughout my time in Alcoholics Anonymous.

The desire to drink was completely lifted out of me on the day I signed up for treatment. Before my first meeting, before getting a sponsor and before working any steps, I was freed from the obsession that had held me captive for thirty years. I was getting ready for bed that night when I realized I hadn’t thought about a drink all day.  I wondered what the hell had happened. I  didn't realize it at the time, but today I know  Spirit had awoken in me and was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I floated into my first meeting on a pink cloud.  My outside circumstances hadn’t changed -- I was still unemployed and running out of borrowed money-- but something was going on inside me that I didn’t understand.  I felt downright blissful. I laughed, really laughed for the first time in years. I had the sense that I had finally found my way home after a long painful journey. Like any good alcoholic I wanted more. I wanted to keep this great feeling alive. There was something happening in the rooms that I wanted. You pointed to the steps on the wall.

I wanted what you had so I did what you did: meetings, steps. service. AA became a way of life for me and the Twelve Promises began to come true. Of all the promises, I continue to be most amazed by "you will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle you." Today I have absolute faith that I'll be shown the way out of any "problem" that pops up in my life. Why would I drink?

I look at my alcoholism as a blessing. I could not have travelled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that could only be treated with spiritual grace. 

Drinking Like Other People

“Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people. Here are some of the methods we have tried… .” BB pg 32

I spent my career in hospitality management. I saw plenty of drinking. I watched as most other people stopped after one or two or maybe a few drinks. Of course there was always a small percentage that kept going until they started slurring their words and wobbling their way to the restroom. Most people know when they've had enough. Halfway through her second glass of wine, my second wife would stop drinking and say, "Oh, I'm starting to feel it." Then she would push the glass away. Nothing used to irritate me more than to see someone leave a half-finished drink. When other people start to feel it, I'm just getting started.

I drank for thirty years. I could stop after one or two drinks. But I never wanted to. I could stop if I had a business thing to attend to. Most of the time I could stop if I were out in public because I never wanted you to see me drunk. The only way I could stop was to control it. Occasionally I would lose control and suffer consequences. Getting arrested going the wrong way on the Golden Gate bridge comes to mind. The allergy required me to go on drinking despite some ugly consequences.  

Gratefully, I have been placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. I don't want to drink and I don't want not to drink. It doesn't ever come up. There is no urge to drink, there is no idea that a drink would be a bad idea. It just doesn't register. Like our book says, "We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed."

Expectations

 I remember whining to my sponsor when I was new about how the people in my life weren’t following my script. “Do you always expect to get your way?” he asked. “Yes, of course" I replied. Well then you had better prepare yourself for a life full of disappointment because it’s never going to happen.” I was shocked. Of course I expect to get my way. Doesn’t everyone? 

Expectations, especially of other people, sooner or later end in resentment for me. The more reasonable my expectation, the angrier I became when it isn't met. I expected people to treat me with courtesy and respect. It took many years in AA to see that when I point my finger of guilt at others, I have three fingers pointing back at me. I expected courtesy and respect, but hardly treated others this way. Today I'm better. 

Today I know that God puts other people in my life not to fulfill my expectations but to help me grow.  We are all hot-wired to pursue our own happiness. Living without demands on others is truly the softer, easier way to go through life. I'm working on it. 

Spiritual Malady

The Bedevilments  on page 52 of our book describes what it was like for me before I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me to AA.  I was unemployed and running out of borrowed money but unable to muster up the energy to look for work. I had chased everyone out of my life. I was filled with resentment and simmering anger. I was taking Prozac for depression. I wasn’t any real help to other people because I didn’t really care about other people unless they had something I wanted. I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything other than drinking and using. I woke up every morning with an growing ache of fear in my gut. 

Back then I had no idea what was wrong with me. Today I know I was suffering from spiritual illness. I was encrusted with self-centered fear. Like it says in our book, I was afraid I wouldn't get something I needed to live comfortably (love) and I was afraid I would lose something I needed to live (love). These fears had been there since childhood. They forced me to try and control every aspect of my life and all the people in it. This need to control in turn blocked spirit from working in my life. I was living on Jeff power, which we know is really no power at all.

In going through the steps I discovered defects that all stemmed from my need to control -- lying, manipulation, false pride, perfectionism, and the need to always be right.  I discovered that as long as fear was driving my life I really had no choice but to keep acting the way I was acting. I kept coming back and began to change. 

I am a completely different person than I was back then. The fear has abated and so has my need to control. I'm so grateful I was graced with the disease of alcoholism. There is no way I could have travelled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me unless it was treated spiritually with the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Have a great sober week. 

Happy, Joyous, Free

 I don't feel happy, joyous and free most of the time, but even the perfectionist in me must admit that I have been changed in a deep and meaningful way. 

Today I look people in the eye when I'm talking with them. I’m quicker to forgive because I understand that, like me, people don’t really have a choice but to do what they do. I don’t always have to flip off every driver who does something stupid. Mostly my life feels peaceful and serene. I often catch myself feeling happy for no particular reason. Restlessness, irritability and discontent is fading away. I realize God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Today I enjoy many freedoms. I am free from needing to change the way I feel, to self-medicate (unless of course you count caffeine). I am free from alcoholic loneliness -- that feeling of a hole in my gut that the wind whistles through. I am free from the guilt and shame that kept me chained to yesterday. I am free from the war of self-hate I waged against myself for more than forty years before I began my spiritual journey  in Alcoholics Anonymous.

My perception of life has changed dramatically. I was a "glass half-empty" guy. I automatically reacted negatively to almost everything that went on. Today, I automatically react positively to almost everything. I practice an attitude of gratitude by slowly letting go of my attachment to getting what I want, by suiting up and showing up for life and by trying to be helpful wherever I can. I show appreciation for others in my life. I try not to complain.

I'm coming to realize that my life is nothing I do and everything God does. The good stuff, the bad stuff and the downright ugly stuff. It's all Grace. 

Emotional Sobriety

 When I was new I Identified with a guy at a meeting who called himself "King Baby." I have this image of myself dressed in a diaper and floppy hat, sitting up in my adult highchair banging on the fold-down table with my spoon, demanding that life give me everything I want and wailing when I didn't get it right away.

I was loaded with self-centered fear long before I picked up that first drink and felt the magic alcohol could work. In order to be accepted and meet my selfish needs I unknowingly developed a whole slew of character defects. I was an approval seeker and couldn't stand criticism. I had trouble with personal relationships. I rarely felt satisfied with my life. I complained and blamed others for my problems. I never felt like I truly fit in, even in a crowd of people. I lived in the past or future. Even after many trips through the steps, remnants of these character "defenses" still pop up every once in a while.  

I am a completely different man than I was when I began my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I enjoy rich personal relationships. I am healthier than I’ve ever been. The fear is gone. I have enough of everything I need to live a useful, contented life. I am comfortable with who I am. I feel and express a full range of human emotion. Problems still crop up, but since solutions show up effortlessly, I no longer worry. Today I have the faith that no matter what happens I’m going to be okay as long as I continue to demonstrate the willingness to do what was suggested in my first couple of weeks.

I am so grateful to be an alcoholic. There is no way I could’ve traveled from where I was to where I am today without having a disease that was going to kill me unless I treated it spiritually. As I sat at the bar, I used to jokingly say if you had my life, you’d drink too. Today, I say if you had my life, you wouldn’t drink either. Life is unfolding exactly as it should. If it was supposed to be one iota different, it would be. It gives me a great sense of comfort to know I am always experiencing my highest and best good, even when I'm sitting in my high-chair.

Plan for Living

 My life, once filled with so much promise, had shrunk to the size of my messy apartment. I had successfully separated myself from God and everything good in life. I lived in the wilderness of my own stinking thinking. Mine was not a plan for living, but a plan for dying.

Then I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried to stay outside the circle, but you guys wouldn’t let me. You pulled me in with your welcomes, pats on the back and your laughter. Especially your laughter. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew I wanted what you had and was graced with the willingness to do what was suggested. Slowly, slowly I began to change.

You told me to practice the principles in all my affairs. A few years ago I came upon a twenty-four hour practice plan. It is to show up, pay attention, do the next right thing, stay out of results and be grateful. This plan has served me well.

I show up by living in the present moment with the willingness to do what is suggested. I pay attention by getting quiet and listening for the still small voice inside me. I do the next right thing by following the guidance I receive, even if I don’t want to. I let go of results by not having any expectation of how my actions will turn out. I practice an attitude of gratitude by being aware of all the blessings I receive each day. Of course I don’t do any of this perfectly, far from it. But if my life gets wobbly, I can look at this plan and quickly see where I need more practice.

Growing along spiritual lines is a never-ending journey. There is no finish line. God keeps gently pulling me forward into ever greater expression. I cooperate by following the Practice Plan to the best of my ability on any given day. Today I enjoy greater peace of mind than ever before, but I feel I’ve only scratched the surface of what is possible.

Giving It Away

I do not believe Bill was trying to save Dr. Bob’s ass when he picked up the phone in the hotel lobby. He was trying to save his own. A business deal had just blown up. The disease was clawing at him. He needed another alcoholic to help. He had experienced a spiritual awakening in the hospital, but now he had to give it away to keep the spiritual power flowing. It's no coincidence Bill's phone call led him to Dr. Bob.

I've been spending a bit of time on the phone with a new AA friend. We have agreed to talk every evening for 30 days.  We hope to take the first three steps together by then. So far we've shared about the Dr.'s Opinion and Step One. In the process we've learned a lot about each other.  I don't know how much our conversations are helping him, but I damn sure know they are helping me.

Despite all that's going on in the world, I’m enjoying the best life I’ve ever had, but it is dangerous to think I’ll never drink again. What I know is that I probably won’t drink today because I’m giving away what was so freely given to me. I can't rest on my laurels. With my meeting attendance way down due to the pandemic, I needed more opportunities to share with other drunks. the new man came along at just the right time. 

The Best Medicine

I had been standing on the outside of life looking in for as long as I could remember. I was not a joiner. Intimacy made me uncomfortable. Other people were just too much trouble. I’d spent the last eight months unemployed and drinking at home in almost complete isolation. Then I was graced with  a moment of clarity that lad me to Alcoholics Anonymous.  It was grace pure and simple that led me to AA, but it was the laughter that kept me coming back until I became hooked. 

After my very first meeting the man who would become my first sponsor said, "Some of us go to Harry’s for breakfast after the meeting, why don’t you come along.” I said, “I’d really like to, but I’m very busy this morning.’ He gave me a knowing (you are full of crap) smile and said, “I’m sure you are busy, Jeff, but why don’t you come along anyways?” An unseen hand pushed me to the breakfast with five or six other men. I remember laughing, really laughing, for the first time in years. Driving home from breakfast I had the feeling I had finally found my way home after a long painful journey. I had no idea what had happened, but I knew I would go back the next week. And I kept coming back ever since. 

The laughter drew me into the center of the herd. I became a part of.  The clenched fist inside my head began to relax. I began to see I wasn't unique. Our stories were different, but the underlying feelings of fear, self-hate, and hopelessness were exactly the same. As I connected to others in the rooms, I connected to the God of my own misunderstanding. 

I'm coming to believe life is a third rate comedy and we are all slipping on banana peels. Growing along spiritual lines allows me not to take myself too seriously. I simply can't enjoy life fully if I do. It took many years, but today, thanks entirely to AA meetings, friendships and sponsorship, I have learned to laugh at myself. I'm pretty sure I have a lifetime supply of material. Laughter is definitely the best medicine for this alcoholic.

Anonymity

 I was taught anonymity means giving all credit to God, taking no credit for myself-- for anything. This idea is clearly stated in the other big book where it says “of myself I am nothing, He does the works.” I’m coming to believe there is not me and God. There is only God. Growing spiritually is about me slowly disappearing.

I’m just a channel for God like it says in our Eleventh Step prayer. I practice the steps. I empty myself out of old, mistaken ideas about me and how life works. I become an ever fuller expression of God. Struggle and suffering fall away as I stop believing the crap in my head. I experience moments of bliss as God’s peace, love and power flow through me.

I did not come by this realization quickly.  In fact, God is so anonymous He has me continuing to believe I am doing the work. After all, don’t I decide to go to the meeting? Don’t I drive myself there? Don’t I put my hand out to the newcomer? I want to take credit for this stuff, but then I remember How It Works. “There is One who has all power. That One is God.” All power. Not 99% of the power.

My ego asks, “if everything were God and God is Love, then why would there be starvation, disease and wars and killing? The only answer I can come up with is that God doesn’t will these things to happen, but He allows these things to happen for our highest and best good. In the same way God graced me with alcoholism. I could not have traveled from where I was to where I am today without having a deadly disease that was going to kill me unless I treated it spiritually.

God and I play a continuous game of hide and seek. God tries to stay totally anonymous, but I see God every time I am willing to seek God. God hides in plain sight, everywhere I look. Our book asks me to choose. Is God everything or nothing? I have seen way too many miracles to believe nothing.

Spiritual Fitness Program

 I guess I must be a real slow learner. The promise that I will stop fighting everyone and everything has not come true for me. I continue to have trouble with that restraint of pen and tongue thing. I still need to be right much of the time.  Then there are a variety of pesky character defects that might pop up at a moment's notice if my fear button is pushed. I'm much better today, but I'm not cured. But I'm not complaining. I haven't had a drink or even the desire to drink in more than 26 years. This is truly a miracle for a man who hid from life and truth in a bottle for thirty years.  

The obsession was lifted clean out of me at the very beginning of my spiritual journey. This experience is the foundation of my recovery and the bedrock of my faith in my Higher Power. I still can’t explain how it happened. I just kind of woke up one day and it was gone. Like the promise says, I have been placed in a position of neutrality regarding alcohol. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want not to drink. I don’t even think about it really. It feels like I am bulletproof as far as alcohol is concerned. But I’m not taking any chances. I’ve seen too many seemingly bulletproof alcoholics go out and get drunk. So I continue to take all the actions you suggested to me in my first two weeks: meetings, steps and service. Taken all together these suggestions form my spiritual fitness program.

It is impossible for me to live to good effect one day at a time if I am not spiritually fit. Without a solid connection to the God of my own understanding, ego continuously catapults me into the future where my mind goes round and round searching for solutions to problems that don’t even exist. Or it drags me back down memory lane in morbid reflection, pointing out all the times I was a jerk and all the things I could have done better. The net result of living in the past and future is that I miss the joy of living Now, the only time there is.

Like our book says, it all boils down to willingness. When I am willing to take the simple actions to maintain my spiritual fitness, life is unbelievably good. When I’m not willing to go to the gym and sweat, it gets harder to bend over and tie my shoes.

What Am I?

 I define myself as a spiritual being having a human experience. I feel extremely grateful to know and experience this truth.

The gentle power of spirit works through me when I open myself to it with the help of the 12 Steps. As I align with this power, my life feels useful and contented. I live in peace, harmony and balance.  I sometimes forget spirit is my true nature. When I forget this truth about me, I also forget the truth about others.

Although my human experiences can be rough sometimes, I know that every painful experience is necessary for my highest and best good. Without the hopelessness I felt before I stumbled into my first meeting, I'd still be sitting on the couch drinking cheap wine, watching stupid TV and thinking life was just great.

I feel grateful for all the gifts I've been given -- the good, the bad and the downright ugly ones. I practice an attitude of gratitude by slowly letting go of my attachment to getting what I want, by suiting up and showing up for life and by trying to be helpful where ever I can. I show appreciation for others in my life. I try not to complain. The willingness to do these things doesn’t come from me. It comes from spirit. It’s all grace.

Design for Daily Living

 It took me a while in AA to realize that “restored to sanity” meant God was going to restore me to a fit spiritual condition like I was before I left the home office to begin my life on earth. Today I think of sanity as order, balance, and harmony. When I’m paying attention I can see the absolute perfection of creation. I see that day follows night; the planets in perfect alignment; the tides right on schedule. I figure that any power that can keep the universe in perfect harmony can certainly handle my puny little life. If order, balance and harmony is my true nature, why don’t I experience my life this way?

I learned that my perception is filtered by the old fearful ideas I'm carrying inside my head.  These ideas cause me to react in fearful, unloving ways and cause all the trouble there is. Our book is clear. We must let go of these old ideas. Absolutely. But how? Years ago our dear Louise shared a simple but powerful design for daily living: Show up, pay attention, do the next indicated thing, stay out of results, be grateful.

I show up by living in the present moment with the willingness to do what is suggested. I pay attention by getting quiet and listening for the still small voice inside me. I do the next right thing by following the guidance I receive, even if I don’t want to. I let go of results by not having any expectation of how my actions will turn out. I practice an attitude of gratitude by being constantly aware of all the blessings I receive each day.  Along with the Twelve Steps, this simple plan has allowed me to let go of old ideas and make room for God to work in my life.  

My life is pretty darn good today. More and more I feel like I'm being carried along by the river of life. I have the faith I’ll be given whatever I need to get through whatever life throws at me. I continue to have challenges but solutions appear effortlessly. Since I no longer worry very much, I no longer have to try and control people and events. Consequently, I go through life with a sense of ease and comfort and, like the promise says, I enjoy a new freedom and a new happiness.