I am a miserable failure at turning my will and life over to the care of God, but I'm beginning to understand why. It's because a part of me continues to believe that I am a limited separate individual self that will pass away when my body dies. The truth is I am an unlimited eternal spiritual being. All attempts to get "more spiritual" will fail because I already am 100% spirit. I just haven't fully realized it yet.
I like the story of the baby eagle that falls out of the nest and is adopted by a flock of chickens. The little eagle grows up thinking he is a chicken. He pecks and clucks and does all the other things chickens do. Then one day another eagle swoops down for a fresh chicken dinner and spots the chicken-eagle. He says "Dude, what are you doing with these chickens? Why don't you fly away?" The chicken-eagle responded, "I'm a chicken. Chickens can't fly" Nothing the eagle says can convince the chicken-eagle that he is not a chicken. So the eagle walks him over to a nearby pond to see his reflection. When the chicken-eagle sees the truth about himself, he spreads his wings and soars away.
So it is with me. As long as I identify myself as being purely human, I must live in constant fear of sickness, death and abandonment. This fear drives me to control people, events and circumstances, to hold onto life instead of letting go. Out of my need to control outcomes, my character defects grow up like weeds -- people pleasing, perfectionism, pride. The roots are deep. Just like the chicken eagle, I don't think to question them.
The twelve steps help me realize my true identity. They offer me a process to become aware of my character defects, to question them, to discover their roots. All I need to be is willing to take the suggested actions and fail repeatedly.