After I crossed the line into active alcoholism -- going from wanting to drink to needing to drink--I spent hours alone drinking in my darkened apartment. I also engaged in another harmful activity--thinking. By then I had chased everyone out of my life. In my delusion I thought having no one around to bother me was a great way to live. Today this thought is a sad memory, but also a clear indication that I was losing my connection with real life and plunging ever deeper into the sea of insanity.
The book says "bottles were only a symbol." I believe I drank the way I did because I always felt disconnected from life--like I was on the outside looking in. Recovery for me means reconnecting with life. Another word for life is spirit. I don’t use this word in any religious sense, but only to describe a force that keeps the universe, and everything in it, in perfect order and harmony. Alcoholism is called as a "dis-order." As I strengthen my connection with spirit and my life becomes harmonious, there is no longer any need to drink.
When I walked into my first meeting, it was like walking into a cozy room from out of a snow storm. I had a feeling of being home. I know today it was spirit I felt -- the fellowship of the spirit. It’s the same reason I usually feel better walking out of a meeting than I did walking into the meeting. I connected with spirit. Of course if I sit through the whole meeting taking everybody’s inventory or worried that I won’t sound good when it’s my turn to share, then I don’t feel better, sometimes I feel worse -- like I need a meeting. Some days are like that.