Sudden Realizing

I didn't start out to become separated from you, God and everything good in the world. It just happened over time. Probably as a result of some wrong ideas that were poured inside my head as a kid by well-meaning, but misguided parents, ministers, and teachers. Fears and insecurities were the building blocks of my ego.

Looking back it seemed I was walking through my life on auto pilot -- numbed out to other people and life in general. I remember the feelings of emptiness. I tried to fill up this emptiness with all manner of things: good job, possessions, beautiful wife, vacations. For a while I really thought I was "winning at the game of life." But sooner or later the emptiness would always return.

The walls of my ego became thicker and for the last year of my drinking I was in extreme isolation, only made bearable by alcohol and denial. It was in this pathetic state that God graced me with a moment of clarity that led me to Alcoholics Anonymous and you. I felt at home for the first time in my life and the obsession was removed on the first day. I wanted what you had so I did what you did. Slowly I began to change.

Today almost 12 years later I still feel like a newcomer some days when those old tapes begin to play, but even the perfectionist in me midst admit that I have changed in some deep meaningful way. Almost daily I get glimpses of a different, better person emerging from the ashes of a broken damaged life. Here are a few glimpses I've had recently:

Catching myself feeling happy for no particular reason. Looking people in the eye when I'm talking with them. Not always blowing the horn and extending the digit when another driver does something dumb or inconsiderate. Viewing my work as a way to be of service rather than a way to make money. Having a sincere interest in the lives of other people. Standing up for the the person who's absent instead of participating in the
gossip. Listening for the still small voice...

I certainly don't have these flashes of the "new me" all the time, but often enough to realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.