Afraid to Let Go

I'm learning that God's grace is not always what I consider a good thing. It says in our book that God is either everything or nothing. If I choose everything then God's grace must also be in wars, sickness, and all manner of suffering in the world I see.

I suppose grace is like a cosmic guidance system. I was graced with a moment of clarity that led me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was graced with a personal surrender that allowed my ego to rightsize enough to see that you people had what I wanted. I have been graced with an ongoing change of attitudes and beliefs that have freed me from some of the chains that bound me to self. I have been graced with a more sensitive conscience. My internal guidance system has improved. Now there is a little voice that warns me when I'm about to hurt someone with words or deeds. I don't always listen by the voice is there.

God's grace also shows me through pain and suffering where I am clinging, hanging on, afraid to let go. If there was no pain, if I didn't suffer, I would never let go. And never grow.

I was fired from first job in sobriety when I was about three years sober. The pain from the fear was unbearable, but I didn't drink. Instead I shared about it. At one meeting after I shared about how I was suffering an old timer came up to me and said, "one day you will be learn to be grateful for the pain."

Today I know what he meant. I can learn from every one of my life's experiences, even the ones that hurt. Especially the ones that hurt